{"id":28979,"date":"2014-10-19T17:08:38","date_gmt":"2014-10-19T21:08:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/?p=28979"},"modified":"2014-10-19T17:08:38","modified_gmt":"2014-10-19T21:08:38","slug":"marry-car-humor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/2014\/10\/19\/marry-car-humor\/","title":{"rendered":"High-Test Case (Humor Column)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Reading about this nutty guy who has sex with cars,<\/a> reminded me that many years ago I wrote a news-related humor column about a fellow who wanted to marry his car. So I explored the deep recesses of my laptop, looking for a 1999 column that I wrote when I was a humor columnist for TheCarConnection. And voila! I dug it up, got rid of all the ancient WordPerfect coding, and am posting it here: <\/p>\n

A High-Test Case<\/p>\n

By<\/p>\n

Madeleine Begun Kane<\/p>\n

My husband Mark swears that he\u2019s never proposed to an automobile. The same can\u2019t be said for Buster Mitchell of Knoxville, Tennessee who, according to an AP Wire story, tried to get a license to marry his car. Mr. Mitchell\u2019s efforts raise the following questions:<\/p>\n

1. Is he nuts?
\n2. Those must be some<\/strong> reclining seats; and
\n3. Is he nuts?<\/p>\n

I also have to ask: When somebody says, \u201cYou may now kiss the bride,\u201d which part does he … um … never mind.<\/p>\n

According to Mark, I\u2019ve left out the most important question of all: \u201cWhat kind of car?\u201d Okay \u2014 if you really must know \u2014 it\u2019s a 1996 Mustang GT.<\/p>\n

When I first heard about Mr. Mitchell\u2019s quest, I assumed there must be a terrible shortage of women in Knoxville. But that\u2019s not the case. At least it\u2019s not the would-be groom\u2019s particular problem. Mr. Mitchell claims to be on the rebound from an ill-fated romance with a human female. Jilted by his former girlfriend, he apparently figures that marrying a car beats scouting singles bars.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s one wedding I\u2019d sure like to attend, if only to witness the happy couple\u2019s first dance. (Although I\u2019m not sure what you buy a bride who already has bucket seats.)<\/p>\n

Alas, that wedding probably won\u2019t take place. Why not? Because stick-in-the-mud civil servants looked askance at some salient details about the bride:<\/p>\n

Birthplace: \u201cDetroit\u201d
\nBride\u2019s Father: \u201cHenry Ford\u201d
\nBride\u2019s Blood Type: \u201c10-W-40\u2033<\/p>\n

Much to Mr. Mitchell\u2019s chagrin, they ruled you must be a male and female Homo sapiens couple to wed. Spoil sports!<\/p>\n

Mr. Mitchell\u2019s thus far thwarted efforts \u2014 he says he\u2019ll try again \u2014 shouldn\u2019t surprise us. After all, men do tend to be oddly obsessed by cars. I\u2019ve caught my husband Mark staring at sexy sports models more often than I\u2019ve caught him leering at sexy model models.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ll be strolling down the street and in the nanosecond it takes me to check out a window display, he\u2019ll vanish. After ten minutes of searching, I\u2019ll find him lusting after a $60,000.00 sports car almost large enough to comfortably sit one and a half people.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of mileage do you get?\u201d I\u2019ll hear him ask the owner. As if people who buy cars like that place gas mileage on their list of top concerns.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll drag him away, just as he\u2019s saying \u201cI\u2019d buy one myself, but the little wife won\u2019t let me.\u201d The very thought of the two of us speeding off in a pricey sports car leaves me laughing too hard to yell at him for calling me a \u201clittle wife.\u201d Besides, I\u2019m both little and his wife, which does weaken my case.<\/p>\n

After experiences like that, I can almost understand Mr. Mitchell\u2019s automobile infatuation. Still, I can\u2019t help thinking he\u2019d be better off with a female of the human kind. Surely there\u2019s a woman somewhere who\u2019s right for him \u2014 maybe even one of you.<\/p>\n

Think about it: Wouldn\u2019t you women like to marry someone as determined and passionate as Buster Mitchell? Most important, do you think you\u2019re any match for a Mustang? If you do, hurry up or down to Knoxville, Tennessee.<\/p>\n

And don\u2019t forget your lasso.<\/p>\n

Copyright 1999 Madeleine Begun Kane, 1st published in TheCarConnection.com<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Reading about this nutty guy who has sex with cars, reminded me that many years ago I wrote a news-related humor column about a fellow who wanted to marry his car. So I explored the deep recesses of my laptop, looking for a 1999 column that I wrote when I was a humor columnist for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[49,12,42,2],"tags":[4352,221,4353,4902,2786,4354],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28979"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28979"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28979\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28996,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28979\/revisions\/28996"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28979"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28979"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28979"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}