Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TRAIN at the end of any one line. SEE UPDATE 3– August 5!

UPDATE 3 — AUGUST 5: Limerick contest results will CONTINUE to be delayed while I continue to recuperate from wrist surgery. (My apologies! But unfortunately, lots of physical therapy is required!) In the meantime, here’s YET ANOTHER theme for your limericks: CAFFEINE.

UPDATE 2 — JULY 21: Limerick contest results will CONTINUE to be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s YET ANOTHER theme for your limericks: SUMMER FUN.

July 7 UPDATE: Limerick contest results will be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s another theme for your limericks: DOCTORS.

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TRAIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GARDENING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GARDEN-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 9, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 8, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A man was attempting to train
His young pooch to pee fast in the rain.
The obstreperous pet
Just adored getting wet,
So it lingered – dry clothes down the drain.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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265 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TRAIN at the end of any one line. SEE UPDATE 3– August 5!”

  1. Patrice Stewart says:

    Trump’s Replacement: A Small Common Mammal

    Some err, saying cats, one can’t train
    (New rhyme word! I couldn’t restrain
    Myself). Unlike Trump,
    Our (p)resident lump,
    Most cats have at least half a brain.

  2. Sharon Neeman says:

    I find flying from Boston to Maine
    Isn’t worth it — in fact, it’s a pain:
    It’s really too silly —
    They go via Philly!
    So next time, I’ll just take the train.

  3. Sharon Neeman says:

    A gardener in sunny Iberia,
    In a rage, ripped out all his wisteria:
    It won’t grow well in Spain
    And it’s too hard to train —
    Which drove him to total hysteria.

  4. Marty Gerendasy says:

    It used to be great fun to fly,
    Soaring thousands of feet in the sky.
    But now flying’s a pain
    So I’ll get there by train.
    You can say I’m a well-grounded guy!

  5. Daisy Mae (Debby) Simon says:

    With no heart, no courage, no brain
    The orange turd is a runaway train
    An atheist I’ve been
    But I’m prayin’ again
    For divine intervention to reign

    Those who know me will laugh at my verse
    They know I think religion’s perverse
    But until they impeach
    That orange sonuvabeech
    I’ll resist and pray things don’t get worse.

  6. Said a woman who was asked to explain
    Why husbands were easy to train,
    “With a beer at hand
    They’ll obey your command
    As the reward outweighs any pain.”

  7. Jeanine Silverio says:

    In his hut next to Chatterley’s garden
    Lady C made her lover’s cock harden
    Flowers twined round his shaft
    As he thrust fore and aft
    (Which was painful until they put lard in).

  8. Neil Hood says:

    Third line spell checked. Should be

    It takes a man with a pea coal sized brain
    Save the miners jobs, really, insane
    The world has the range
    Solar, wind power, change
    Stead of riding this smart Alex coal train

  9. Judith H. Block says:

    Why drive? You can take a cool train,
    Though waiting in the station’s a pain.
    Please don’t overdress;
    No jewels in excess.
    From all ostentation, refrain.

  10. Judith H. Block says:

    We’re watching the wreck of a train,
    Try to stop it- it just seems in vain.
    The US is dying,
    It’s quite horrifying.
    The people are held in disdain.

  11. Judith H. Block says:

    He met a luscious gal on a train,
    Took her home, got her high on champagne.
    Then she stole his cash,
    Was gone in a flash.
    His attempt to exploit her, her gain.

  12. Judith H. Block says:

    Want me to dominate you and train?
    Need to know if you can stand the pain,
    Want restraints and whips
    While I gyrate my hips?
    The pleasure will drive you insane.

  13. Sharon Neeman says:

    In a formal, she thought she could “pass”
    And convince her new date she had class —
    But it all proved in vain
    When she tripped on her train,
    Tore her skirt, and revealed her sad @$$.

  14. Sharon Neeman says:

    The euphemism above is because the site didn’t let me post the first time and I thought it might be because of the word…

  15. Jesse Levy says:

    My muscles you want me to train?
    I think you must be insane.
    I’m too lazy, I fear
    And I don’t want to hear
    The refrain about “No pain, no gain.”

  16. Lila Alexander says:

    A lovely young woman in Spain
    Had a camel she wanted to train!
    She said, “Oh my dear,
    There are no trainers here,”
    So they hopped the next flight to Bahrain!

  17. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Makes no difference how hard I might train,
    My old dog won’t go out in the rain.
    She’ll start out and then stop
    When she sees that first drop.
    Which explains why the rug has a stain.

  18. Dave Johnson says:

    She learned how to plant some tomatoes,
    Cucumbers, along with potatoes.
    His interests were sly
    For a wandering eye;
    Grow coconuts down in Barbados.

  19. Tanja Cilia says:

    So I thought and befuddled my brain
    About not getting caught in the rain
    See-through Macintoshes
    Designer galoshes
    Or, simply, I could take the train.

  20. Kay Davies says:

    Good one, Madeleine. I love trains, but there are few choices left in Canada, just the Trans Canada, and commuter-trains in major cities. Sigh. Luckily for me, the transcontinental freight train passes through our little town just as I am about to fall asleep. I love it. A lullaby for me.
    So, two offerings on the same theme and one for ‘obfuscation’ — what a great word. One wonders, is it also a verb…can I obfuscate? I suspect so.

    Obstruction obfuscation
    All across your great nation—
    Canadian wonders
    As Trumpery thunders
    If the US will e’er find salvation.

    Back to my two train limericks…I like the first one best.
    K

    Halifax-bound on a train
    I want to do it again
    It would be cheaper
    To forego a sleeper
    And ride the rails ’cross the plain

    I once took a trip on the train
    From the Rockies all ’cross the plain
    With a comfy bed
    And sure to be fed
    So I now want to do it again.

  21. Neil Hood says:

    Said Adam “I do beg your pardon
    I’m not sure what to do with this hard on”
    Said Eve ” Dont repent
    when your serpent is spent
    From cumming to rest in my garden”

  22. Dave Johnson says:

    A pet can be easy to train
    If it understands what it will gain.
    Dogs love to run,
    Learn to fetch and have fun;
    While cats have to see you in pain.

  23. Judith H. Block says:

    We should tend our garden, said Voltaire,
    But we DO understand, we’re aware.
    Rocket science, it’s not:
    A vast corporate plot.
    They’re counting on us not to care.

  24. Judith H. Block says:

    Hot sex in a wildflower garden,
    Exciting to feel my guy harden.
    I went down on my knee,
    But then something bit me
    I’ve got to get out of here! Pardon!

  25. Dave Johnson says:

    More runners are starting to train
    With watches displaying their gain.
    They met in a race;
    Later on at her place,
    Two Fitbits were going insane.

  26. Dave Johnson says:

    Here’s gardening tip Number One:
    Make sure all the implements run.
    If your tiller goes down,
    Don’t grumble and frown;
    A go with a hoe might be fun.

  27. Judith H. Block says:

    A rake who would make women glow,
    Took up gardening, started to sow.
    He was rather amused
    That his friend was confused
    When he said that he wanted a hoe.

  28. Dave Johnson says:

    Eyes met as they boarded the train.
    With cars at their rhythmic refrain,
    He walked down the aisle
    And she gave him a smile;
    “Hey Pete – how’s the wife in Duquesne?”

  29. Kirk Miller says:

    By his trainer the boxer was told,
    “Put your wintertime running on hold.
    Don’t go outside to train
    In the winter; it’s pain-
    Ful. Beware that you might be out cold.”

  30. Chris Gross says:

    One entry for both categories:

    When Balboa went out west to train
    For his next fight, and hope to remain
    The champ, over Creed,
    I guess he would need
    To work out on a “Rocky” terrain.

    In the Garden of Eden, young Eve,
    Saw the Serpent, who made her believe,
    That if she trims her bush
    (And the hair on her tush),
    It’ll want to make Adam conceive.

  31. Kirk Miller says:

    Eating donuts allows you to gain
    Many nutrients, so athletes train
    By eating a bunch
    For breakfast and lunch.
    And why not? They are made of hole grain.

  32. Kirk Miller says:

    I know of a gardener, Lynn;
    From morning ’til night she has been
    In an herb garden where
    She works over-Thyme. There
    She stays ’til it’s time to cumin.

  33. Dave Johnson says:

    A gardening lady named Fran
    Said “I’m in real need of a man.”
    She found a young buck
    Who knew how to……pluck
    Tomatoes as fast as you can.

  34. Kirk Miller says:

    He gardened at first in much terror.
    His crops, bad at first, became fairer.
    And today he’s become
    Quite a man with green thumb.
    He learned it by trowel and error.

  35. Kirk Miller says:

    “I’ve been hoeing the garden,” said Kirk.
    “It’s important that I never shirk
    This foundational task.”
    “It’s important?” you ask.
    “Well of course, it is groundbreaking work.”

  36. Kirk Miller says:

    In my garden, the mockingbirds creep.
    Red tomatoes each day they do reap.
    It’s their garden café;
    To their friends they all say,
    “Get the early bird special; it’s cheep.”

  37. Dave Johnson says:

    A bountiful garden was found
    At the White House, on rich, fertile ground.
    Michelle took great care;
    But the Trumps are now there
    With gold-plated shrubs all around.

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    I was so excited to take the train
    To the campus town of Urbana-Champaign
    But the driver was drunk
    Which put me in a funk
    And I never got to marry my darling Elaine

  39. Dave Johnson says:

    Two fugitives, Buzzy and Jase,
    Were trying to flee to a place
    Far away from their crime;
    Not spending much time
    To think, with the cops giving chase.

    So Amtrak was chosen to let
    Them escape from the officers’ net.
    As they waited in vain
    For their run-away train,
    Arrested was all they would get.

    (A true story)

  40. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE

    I was so excited to take the train
    To the COLLEGE town of Urbana-Champaign
    But the driver was drunk
    I was in a blue funk
    And I never made it to marry Elaine

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    GARDENING AND THE WORD TRAIN IN ONE

    I escaped on the very first train
    To a town that’s known as Des Plain
    My zucchini wasn’t a hit
    It tasted just like shit
    And my neighbors came down with ptomaine

  42. Brian Allgar says:

    My parrot is easy to train
    By repeating again and again
    The words that I choose
    Him to utter: “Fake news!”
    Yes, that bird has a President’s brain.

  43. Brian Allgar says:

    “There are plenty of good things to munch
    In my garden,” said God, “so to crunch
    Up my Golden Delicious
    Was naughty and vicious –
    I’d been saving that apple for lunch!”

  44. Randy Wagner says:

    The Garden of Eden (a recycled hat-trick of mine):

    While gardening au naturel
    With an amorous mademoiselle,
    Adam struggled to hide
    The spry sprig Evie spied
    As her earthy appeal made it swell.

    A fig leaf or two could have cloaked
    The display of desire she provoked.
    “Don’t try to be coy,”
    She exclaimed, “That’s a toy
    That is ripe to be fondled and stroked.”

    Prickly brambles and burrs weren’t impedin’
    The fertile exchange that was leadin’
    To seed being planted
    And fantasies granted
    Amidst their intemperate Eden.

  45. Randy Wagner says:

    A new spin on an old nursery rhyme:

    Whilst tending her garden, Miss Mary
    Is wary her maids lust for Larry
    Who works there as well.
    His immense cock’ll shell
    Out delight leaving Mary contrary.

  46. Patrice Stewart says:

    Pardon the Garden

    Plan: Wedding. Fanfare, lots of drama
    Involving the groom’s aunt, Big Momma.
    The forecast is rain,
    Vintage pearl bridal train;
    Invitations (gasp) left out a comma.

    The couple looked on in faint hope
    They’d manage to (somehow, please!) cope:
    Big Momma was thunder
    With nary a blunder.
    They wished she would slip on some soap,

    Just a small cake: no injuries large
    (Big Momma was built like a barge).
    Except for the passive
    With finances massive,
    For weddings, brides should be in charge.

    If the young groom and bride
    Still remain side by side

  47. Patrice Stewart says:

    Oops, Mad, meant to delete last two lines!
    Thanks, Patrice ~

  48. Lisi Nortman says:

    I love my vegetable garden
    I’m glad it’s so near
    But when I slipped on the dirt
    And ruined my skirt
    I stood up with a cucumber in my ear

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    When I got on the train
    I saw my old friend Mary Jane
    We had a lot of fun
    But I had to run
    ‘Cause I was told “Never come back again”

  50. Patrice Stewart says:

    Ah, Newlybeds

    The groom, young and eager to “train”
    His wife re: new lovin’ terrain,
    Broke two toes ‘gainst the bed
    And sat moaning instead.
    Then said she, Babe, I just can’t refrain

    From telling you I can do more
    Than Deedee (their high-school class whore)!
    His eyes lit up at that,
    She knelt down as he sat…
    “Score” four: toes? What are those? Just ignore.

  51. Patrice Stewart says:

    Ann’s A Trouper

    Portland OR: a friend exits the train,
    En masse crosses the tracks but in vain.
    Trips and falls, breaks her nose,
    Tears her lip, rips her clothes…
    Healing fine. Next month, Amtrak again! :)

    (True incident)

  52. Patrice Stewart says:

    Rode Her Ter-rain

    Her musical brogue was most charming,
    Her multiple assets disarming.
    As he stepped off the train,
    Grin collapsed in the rain:
    Wallet?! Travel risks can prove alarming.

  53. Brian Allgar says:

    A garden enthusiast, Fred,
    Dismembered his wife in the shed
    With a circular saw,
    Then his mother-in-law,
    And planted them both in the bed.

  54. Patrice Stewart says:

    Once Bitten

    Just two fast ships that passed in the night,
    Her neck sported an obvious bite.
    Wished she’d taken the train?
    It’s so painfully plain
    (But she wouldn’t complain!)
    That she had an unusual flight.

  55. Patrice Stewart says:

    Ain’t Just Whistlin’ Dixie

    An old lady at Elm Street and Main
    Scolded children who wouldn’t refrain
    From their games on the track.
    They looked forward, not back,
    As along sped the 3:40 train.

    Close your eyes! Did they make it, you wonder?
    The train engineer cursed the thunder
    And downpour that sounded.
    He’ll always feel hounded;
    Those kids won’t repeat any blunder.

  56. Patrice Stewart says:

    Taint and ConSTRAINt

    The laughing troupe boarded the train.
    Wine flowed, which led them to detain
    Their young leader abed.
    It had gone to his head:
    Such a strain when one must entertain

    A trainful of lobbyists, boors
    Apparently! (All called for Coors.)
    The troupe’s dancing and singing
    Backdropped the pols’ clinging
    To seats as they barfed on the floors.

    They scanned the railcar with disgust
    As the beer-fueled “boys” staggered and cussed;
    Exited next station,
    An unplanned vacation!
    Location? It’s Belgium or Bust :)

  57. Patrice Stewart says:

    Rain in the Brain

    Sporadic attempts to retrain
    My brain: mixed results, in the main.
    Is it only vanity
    Insisting my sanity
    Exists? If you know, please explain!

  58. Lisi Nortman says:

    I met my friend on the train
    She says she has an ache in her brain
    And the pain in her nose
    Goes right down to her toes
    At least she doesn’t complain

  59. Dave Johnson says:

    A horny old preacher from Blaine
    Had singers he wanted to train.
    Having said with a grin:
    “Hands on ain’t a sin…”
    He groped a soprano named Jane.

  60. Lisi Nortman says:

    At the “Garden Zoo” in Maine
    There’s a “Vegetable/ Animal” train
    You hold a parrot
    And sit on a carrot
    Till it makes its way to your brain

  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE

    When I got on the Metro train
    I saw my old friend Mary Jane
    We had a lot of fun
    But I had to run
    I was told “Never come back again”

  62. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE

    I Love my vegetable garden
    And I’m so glad that it’s near
    But I slipped on the dirt
    And ruined my skirt
    I now have a carrot in my ear

  63. Patrice Stewart says:

    The Rain in Spain, aka Italian Suck-sess

    A handsome young buck took the train,
    Rode and fondled his way across Spain.
    Asked why they allowed it,
    “Rain, boring!” He bowed. “It
    Amused: I’m-a good!…whether vain.”
    (And you won’t hear the ladies complain.)

  64. Patrice Stewart says:

    Another London Eye

    Burt got off above Kew Bridge Station
    Where prancing drew eyes, speculation;
    Cops appeared to detain
    Him but slowed by a train,
    He showed Dick to a most grateful nation.
    (Sev’ral snaps caught Burt’s naked elation.)

  65. Patrice Stewart says:

    Feeling Jumpy

    Train, train, go away, don’t come back!
    You’re so noisy, a dangerous black.
    In his mind looms The Train:
    He’s insane but it’s plain
    To see, next time she might jump the track.

  66. Patrice Stewart says:

    Excitations

    A lean, muscled biker named Farley
    Was doing it next to his Harley
    By the tracks. Rad, a train!
    “Good Vibrations” refrain
    Was heard after. She: Dude, that was gnarly.

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    TRY AGAIN !!!!!

    I escaped on the nearest train
    To a town that’s known as Des Plain
    My zucchini tasted like shit
    It surely wasn’t a hit
    And my neighbors came down with severe ptomaine

  68. Lisi Nortman says:

    I met my pal on the train
    Her name is Claudia Jane
    She’s a very true friend
    And in the end
    I trust her come shine or come rain

  69. Patrice Stewart says:

    Diane and Andrea, Thanks for My Wake-Up Call

    Have you ever met up for a date
    With a close friend who’s “just running late”?
    Catch a cab, take the train!
    (Am I rich? Nix the plane.)
    She’s irate ’cause I’m making her wait!

    I’ve been told I respect no one’s time.
    Was that true? I committed a crime?
    Put myself in your place:
    Did I want to fume, pace?
    Always late, family trait…”Here’s a dime!”

    Complacent, I coasted along,
    Testing limits with friends – clueless, wrong.
    Two were brave and confronted
    Me: I cried, affronted.
    It’d take getting smacked by a gong
    (My problem had gone on so long…).

    Lateness cost me jobs too; I’d ignore.
    I once was that person: no more.
    It’s a quarter to four.
    There’s still time, mop the floor?
    Meet at five! Nope. Grab purse, out the door! :)))

    (There is hope for the chronically late. I finally “got it” for good in my late 50s, with the help of valued friends. Being smart, apologetic and charming won’t save you ~ I know!)

  70. Patrice Stewart says:

    Felines Train Humans: Read All About It

    Our cats lead the good life of Riley.
    My husband clucks, Dinnertime! while he
    Spoons out Fancy Feast,
    Heats roast chicken. At least
    They act pleased; we could swear they smile (slyly).

  71. Patrice Stewart says:

    Our Cat Baby Sweets, and All Others

    Near nineteen now, serene Russian Blue,
    Undemanding and gentle, she knew
    Our backyard was right: train
    Humans living here, reign
    As submissive queen :) Thus the years flew

    By in the blink of an eye;
    From Phoenix to Vancouver, fly.
    She’s indoors, soldiers on :)
    Weeks, months, soon? She’ll be gone…
    She lies dozing. Wipe eyes and ask why

    Our pets always pass on far too soon.
    May they dance ‘neath a silvery moon,
    Their food, toys, treats be choice!
    When we meet, all rejoice
    In the starlight, where purrs are in tune
    (And our love blazes brighter than noon).

  72. Patrice Stewart says:

    Bridge Sharks

    2 Clubs. 2 D means my hand’s piddling.
    2 No Trump. 6, slam: we’re not kidding!
    Partners take time to train;
    Question hands? Do refrain!
    Why partners and opps look for bidding.

  73. Hildy Zampella says:

    It’s clear that you think you can train
    Me to think you’re the one with the brain
    Here’s a newsflash, sweetheart
    Just like you, I am smart
    So there’s really no need to mansplain.

  74. Tim James says:

    He dons a large hat and his jeans
    Then heads out to attend to his greens.
    But his veggies all die
    And it’s obvious why:
    About gard’ning he doesn’t know beans.

  75. Dave Johnson says:

    Their naturist garden was done
    As a way to be out having fun.
    His cucumbers show
    They’re beginning to grow;
    Her melons are ripe in the sun.

  76. Lisi Nortman says:

    I must admit I really hurt
    Because while gardening with my sweet Aunt Gert
    My X-beau passed,
    Kicked me in the ass
    And now I have a mouth full of dirt

  77. Dave Johnson says:

    Pro linebackers normally train
    Intensely in order to gain
    An edge on the field
    With big muscles to wield;
    They’ll suffer for somebody’s pain.

  78. Mary Hood says:

    Recently I boarded a plane
    A flight too short to complain
    T’ween two folk like a confit
    Wrapped in discomfit
    Next time I’m bound for the train

  79. Ryan Tilley says:

    Fifty Shades of Greyhounds

    As the Alpha, he’s faster than fast,
    But his streak is a thing of the past.
    With your dog on cocaine,
    It is easier to train,
    But it’s better to finish last!

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    Miss Donkey takes the morning train
    She told me that Trump is truly insane
    Although he’s put on much weight
    He cleans his plate
    In my opinion, that’s a CAPITAL GAIN

  81. Dave Johnson says:

    Refusing to fly in a plane,
    They boarded a cross-country train.
    As it rolled through the states,
    They had meals on real plates
    And arrived both refreshed and still sane.

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    TRY AGAIN

    Miss Donkey takes the morning train
    She thinks that Trump is truly insane
    She also said “He’s put on weight,
    And he never fails to clean his plate”
    In my opinion, that’s a CAPITAL GAIN

  83. Lisi Nortman says:

    I was petrified to take a plane
    I always preferred a nice, safe train
    Hubby gave me a pill
    To keep me still
    We were 1000 miles over Bangor, Maine

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE

    I met my friend on the morning train
    She said she had an ache in her brain
    And the pain in her nose
    Goes right to her toes
    At least she doesn’t always complain

  85. Fred Bortz says:

    Inspired by “MAIL ORDER ANNIE”

    “You’re the one who got off of that train.”
    Chapin’s poetry rings in my brain.
    I imagine that ride
    Of the mail order bride
    To start her new life on the plain.

    He told her, You’re not quite as pretty
    As I hoped for a gal from the city.
    But if you’ll share my life
    I’ll be glad you’re my wife
    In this land where there’s no room for pity.

    We don’t know if it all works as planned.
    Nothing’s sure when your working the land.
    We can tell that they only
    Will never be lonely.
    While struggles to solve hand in hand.

  86. Fred Bortz says:

    Inspired by “MAIL ORDER ANNIE”

    “You’re the one who got off of that train.”
    Chapin’s poetry rings in my brain.
    I imagine that ride
    Of the mail order bride
    To start her new life on the plain.

    He told her, You’re not quite as pretty
    As I hoped for a gal from the city.
    But if you’ll share my life
    I’ll be glad you’re my wife
    In this land where there’s no room for pity.

    We don’t know if it all works as planned.
    Nothing’s sure when you’re working the land.
    We can tell that they only
    Will never be lonely.
    While struggles to solve hand in hand.

  87. Fred Bortz says:

    Inspired by “MAIL ORDER ANNIE”

    “You’re the one who got off of that train.”
    Chapin’s poetry rings in my brain.
    I imagine that ride
    Of the mail order bride
    To start her new life on the plain.

    He told her, You’re not quite as pretty
    As I hoped for a gal from the city.
    But if you’ll share my life
    I’ll be glad you’re my wife
    In this land where there’s no room for pity.

    We don’t know if it all works as planned.
    Nothing’s sure when you’re working the land.
    We can tell that they only
    Will never be lonely.
    With struggles to solve hand in hand.

  88. Patrice Stewart says:

    ADD Plus “The” Deficit = Double Trouble

    Oh, how they chatter and natter!
    Large egos demand that we flatter
    Our political “train”.
    They’re America’s Bane:
    When the going gets tough, see them scatter
    (And their leader’s as mad as a hatter!).

    Yes, it seems each last one’s reelection
    Regardless of party, direction,
    Is Priority One.
    Was it fun? What got done?
    Answers? Wait…for the Dead’s resurrection.

  89. Patrice Stewart says:

    Willy and Billy: Philly to Vegas

    A persistent pair tried to entrain.
    Conductor: What, you two again?
    As I told you last week,
    We don’t serve Chesapeake
    Heading west. Haven’t I made that plain?

    They: We’ve tickets, although it’s quite clear
    That our presence is unwanted here.
    But we’d now like a drink,
    Something to help us think
    (Old boy, don’t raise a stink!)
    Of our plans in New York. What?! Miss, beer!

  90. Patrice Stewart says:

    Where’s Your Homework? aka The Calculus of Sex

    Doing math on a fast-moving train.
    Saw that cute guy pass by, stare again.
    The problems were thorny
    But Eva was horny:
    A break would be good to sustain

    Her momentum. Yeah, she had his number:
    His pants held a hefty cucumber.
    Their ecstatic moans, squeals
    To the sound of the wheels
    Led to Eva, coach seat, sprawled in slumber.

  91. Brian Allgar says:

    The President’s trying to train
    His VP to develop a brain.
    He rewards him with treats,
    Like the right to send tweets,
    And occasional snorts of cocaine.

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    DELANCEY STREET: 1946

    Choo-choo-choo goes Andrew’s train
    Once involved he will never complain
    Daddy Jerome
    Is still at home
    And mommy runs out for a two cents plain

  93. Brian Allgar says:

    “They eat all my plants”, my wife wails,
    And leave horrible slithery trails!”
    Though the bindweed’s a pain,
    I am hoping to train
    It to strangle those pestilent snails.

  94. Brian Allgar says:

    Our mother was truly the bane
    Of our lives; she would whine and complain,
    She beat me and my sister,
    So nobody missed her
    When Momma was thrown from the train.

  95. Brian Allgar says:

    “I shall throw myself under a train!”
    Declared Jack, and they thought him insane.
    He survived it, that boy,
    For his railway’s a toy,
    And he’s winding the clockwork again.

  96. Brian Allgar says:

    He discovered it’s wise to abstain
    From blowjobs while flying a plane;
    When turbulence hit,
    He was violently bit.
    The ex-pilot’s now driving a train.

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mama told me, ALWAYS ABSTAIN !!!
    But when I met my gorgeous Wayne
    I tried to resist
    But then we kissed
    And got the hell out on the nearest train

  98. Suzanne Heymann says:

    (based on an old joke)

    A woman, discouraged, once said,
    “My tomatoes don’t want to turn red!”
    A good gard’ner, good cook,
    But she can’t find the book
    How to make them all look like they’ve bled.

    Then she walked to her neighbor’s for fun
    She said, “Yours are so red; how’s it done?”
    “I just flash ’em each morning
    Without any warning.
    They blush, red adorning each one.”

    So she tried it (not getting romantic)
    For two weeks, was pedantic and frantic
    Then he asked, “How’d it go?
    Are they red?” She said, “No —
    But my cucumbers — oh so gigantic!”

  99. David Reddekopp says:

    There once was a fellow named Joe
    Who was proud of his garden, although
    His wife, she will tell us
    She’s really quite jealous –
    He spends all his time with his hoe.

  100. Brian Allgar says:

    Flora and fauna

    Though my garden is empty, a failure,
    I’ve often enjoyed a young Dahlia,
    An Iris, a Heather,
    In all kinds of weather,
    A Jasmine, a Rose, an Azalea.

    My garden is concreted over,
    Yet Marigold, Pansy and Clover,
    Petunia, Daisy,
    Have all come like crazy
    Whenever I play ‘Casanova’.

    Oh, those memories! Begging yout pardon,
    At the mere thought of Flora, I harden.
    The Violets, the Lilies,
    That sweet Amaryllis –
    The girls that I’ve had in my garden!

  101. Tim James says:

    In North by Northwest it’s germane
    That a woman is riding a train.
    Cary Grant plays the hunk
    Who hides out in her bunk.
    There’s no hitch in his cock, that’s quite plain.

  102. Suzanne Heymann says:

    My mind was a bit of a blank, so a friend helped by giving me the first line…

    Herding cats is a pain and a bane
    But then once they’ve been piled on the train
    They won’t fight, they won’t bawl
    They’ll just lay there and sprawl
    Because outside it’s all pouring rain!

  103. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Plant a seed and then watch the thing grow
    And just nurture it, careful and slow
    Let the goodness run deep
    Don’t turn into a creep
    Just remember — you reap what you sow!

  104. Suzanne Heymann says:

    They had hoisted her up with a crane
    Then they placed the poor girl In the train
    The old freight car’s door came
    Built too small for her frame
    ‘Twas an elephant named Mary Jane.

  105. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Sister Pippa had carried Kate’s train
    And its length should have made Katy vain
    But what got folks’ attention —
    Pip’s bum, I should mention,
    A seamless extension, a bane!

  106. Suzanne Heymann says:

    It’s so crowded each morning, that train
    And it’s worse when the sky’s pouring rain
    The old hamster wheel flowing
    Shows no sign of slowing
    Why ain’t I yet going insane?

    Then a voice broke the stale air in song
    So I thought, “Oh, just great! Something’s wrong!”
    But more voices would throb
    To create a flash mob
    We completed the job, sang along!

  107. Suzanne Heymann says:

    All the blight and bad bugs in my garden
    Make my heart for this hobby just harden
    Thorns and thistles and turds
    Shit! It’s all for the birds!
    And don’t mind the bad words, beg your pardon!

  108. Suzanne Heymann says:

    All the outlaws on horseback would gain
    A great speed to catch up, rob the train
    Annie kicked them with whacks
    Till they fell from the tracks
    Lying flat on their backs o’er the plain.

  109. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A Mex’can, car-fixing botanic
    Was a green, devil-worshipping manic
    Now there’s no need to panic
    Just ’cause he’s satanic
    An organic, Hispanic mechanic.

  110. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Through our town runs a long, noisy train
    Late at night, driving townsfolk insane
    So the dynamite crew
    Did what it had to do
    How about me and you drink champagne?!

  111. Patrice Stewart says:

    Gotham City: A New Perspective

    Batman sighed as he boarded with Robin.
    Mayor, Guv…I’m so sick of hobnobbin’!
    Gotham’s Party Night Train
    Helped to relieve the pain
    Of aloneness (day sweats, secret sobbin’).

    As they slowly pulled out of the station,
    Alfred snorted: I’ve been forced to ration
    All the good stuff already!
    The Joker’s unsteady,
    And Penguin’s a naked sensation.

    Batman frowned: Never mind all of that.
    (Robin eased past.) Have you seen The Cat?
    No, but who knew The Riddler
    Could be such a diddler?
    I can’t look! (Alfred peeked.) My new mat!

    Batman strolled through the scene and its uproar;
    Found the Boy Wonder out in the downpour
    Whooping, riding (that!) Harley.
    Their position looked gnarly
    En caboose. Bat grinned, planning to keep score.

    Then out from the shadows The Cat stepped.
    Eyes flashed ‘cross the Nine Tails that she kept.
    As he knelt in the dark,
    Flames roared up from that spark.
    Her white teeth flashed; Bat spasmed and wept.

    The torrid night passed. Dawn grew near.
    A few hardy souls downed more beer.
    As their Night Train returned,
    Robin tossed, Batman turned
    (His skin prickled and burned).
    Vivid dreams ousted boredom and fear.

    Who knew it, folks, so have some pity…
    Bad and Good duke it out ‘cross the city,
    Rescuing, causing fright,
    But needs drive them despite
    Their roles. Bat: Play me some Conway Twitty!
    (Albert: Right. Bruce, you’re just not that witty.)

  112. Patrice Stewart says:

    Mad, gosh darn it, I mistakenly wrote “Albert” in the last line above :( Can you correct to Alfred?

    Thanks very much,
    Patrice ~

  113. madkane says:

    July 7 UPDATE: Limerick contest results will be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s another theme for your limericks: DOCTORS.

  114. Judith H. Block says:

    Misadventure at the Dentist’s

    Can’t handle epinephrine, oh dear.
    My pulse is 110 now, I fear.
    Yes, it was in my file.
    I’ll be angry awhile.
    Novocaine’s gone. but heart’s in high gear.
    ARRGH!!!

  115. Ryan Tilley says:

    Fifty Shades of Greyhounds

    As the Alpha, he’s faster than fast,
    But his streak is a thing of the past.
    With your dog on cocaine,
    It is easy to train,
    But it’s better to finish last!

  116. Judith H. Block says:

    A hot gal got sick, saw a new doctor,
    His behavior was strange, a real shocker.
    He pulled up her dress
    Just imagine the rest…
    Instead of a check-up, he focked’er.

  117. Dave Johnson says:

    An actor whose looks were submergin’,
    Contracted a Hollywood surgeon.
    When he finally healed,
    The mirror revealed
    He now had the face of a sturgeon.

  118. Lisi Nortman says:

    In Chicago we have a commuter train
    It will take you as far as Urbana-Champaign
    But if it’s your fate
    To be stopped by a freight
    You will wait so long, it will fry your brain

  119. Lisi Nortman says:

    I went to my garden during happy hour
    Added plastic to give my blooms more power
    Then I played Bobby Darin
    And danced with Karen
    The next day I saw an artificial flower

  120. Dave Johnson says:

    A hospital patient named Phil
    Thought he’d give the new intern a thrill.
    He hoisted his gown
    And she said with a frown
    “That poor little guy caught a chill.”

  121. Patrice Stewart says:

    Mad,
    I hope your wrist heals very soon :)

    Thinking of you,
    Patrice ~

  122. madkane says:

    In case you missed this announcement:
    July 7 UPDATE: Limerick contest results will be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s another theme for your limericks: DOCTORS.

  123. David Reddekopp says:

    Trump’s cabinet takes his directions
    His party? It makes no objections
    But what’s really a laugh
    Is the doctors on staff
    Only know how to doctor elections.

  124. Chris Gross says:

    The conductor turned salesman was vain.
    And he boasted, about his new reign
    As the king of HVAC.
    And his sales are on track,
    ‘Cause you know, that you can’t stop a Trane.

  125. Patrice Stewart says:

    Meau, Lester (MD)

    He explained that she needed a test,
    But words wouldn’t suffice for her chest.
    All ten fingers caressed
    Where they shouldn’t. You guessed
    Right: she sued. Courts decided the rest.
    (No mo’ Meau, he’s the worst kind of pest.)

  126. Suzanne Heymann says:

    This one’s dedicated to anyone who’s recently had wrist surgery…

    You’re hoping the surgeon you’re stuck with
    Is someone you won’t need to muck with
    If the doc leaves you worse than
    You thought, and you’re cursin’
    He picked the wrong person to f— with!

  127. Patrice Stewart says:

    Opioids: Chicken or Egg, Doctor or Patient?

    I’m addicted! My doctor prescribed
    What I longed for after I described
    My pain: one to ten? Eight.
    I can sleep now, but rate
    My doc zero – she couldn’t be bribed

    So I faked it. As could be predicted,
    I wasn’t to be contradicted.
    So, to others in “need”,
    Hear this warning – take heed:
    It’s my doc’s fault that now I’m addicted.

  128. Patrice Stewart says:

    Married to a Terse Nurse

    Be patient, and I’ll be your doctor,
    He whispered before he defrocked her
    Not at home, but at work.
    Edgar, don’t be a jerk!
    Room Two’s lit, hurry up!…Not much shocked her.

  129. Patrice Stewart says:

    Gloom Before Bloom

    She doctored his drink on the train;
    Missed her garden. Outside, pouring rain.
    The fool’d glared at her roses,
    “Vacay, Madge!” then struck poses
    When boarding. …He’s feeling no pain.
    (Blissful silence; smile: home soon again.)

  130. Brian Allgar says:

    Said President Trump “When I clocked her,
    I moved on the bitch. I’d’ve cocked her,
    But she turned me down,”
    He complained with a frown,
    “So what’s wrong with the stupid bitch, Doctor?”

  131. Dave Johnson says:

    NEED A REPLACEMENT? CHECK US OUT!

    Here’s new body parts, if you please;
    We’ll sell you a hip or some knees.
    Our premium stuff
    Can be seen in the buff;
    (There’s no volume discount for these.)

  132. Dave Johnson says:

    Mad – Hope you’re feeling better and
    have a quick recovery!

    Dave J.

  133. Ryan Tilley says:

    No Doogie Howser

    He appeared in a coat that was white
    And he snuck into rounds on that night
    With a license for driving,
    Without one for prescribing.
    For his prank, he was never contrite!

  134. Chris Gross says:

    “Doctors” theme:

    There’s a dentist we know, name is Gus,
    Who with patients would often discuss,
    That their teeth cleaning fee
    Is not geometry,
    It’s a measurement of calculus.

    😬😁😀

  135. Dave Johnson says:

    Scenes from a medical convention:

    Podiatrists rise to their feet;
    Cardiologists won’t skip a beat.
    A surgeon explains
    His practice takes brains;
    Proctologists grab a rear seat.

  136. Tim James says:

    Said the doctor to Madeleine Kane:
    “Fits of anger you need to restrain.
    It’s a pain in the rump
    Watching Fox fluffing Trump.
    Punch your screen, though? Next time, please refrain.”

    Speedy recovery, Mad!

  137. Lisi Nortman says:

    My patient frantically called
    Because she said that she had falled
    I instantly winced
    And was thoroughly convinced
    The cure for her was Grammar Skuul

  138. Lisi Nortman says:

    Speedy Recovery !!!!!

  139. Lisi Nortman says:

    `MR JOHNSON’S SURGERY

    I had surgery on my wrist
    Doc Smith said it was a “twist”
    It was his FIRST operation
    And mistakenly did a castration
    As expected I was indubitably pissed

  140. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE

    My patient frantically called
    Because she said she had falled
    I instantly winced
    And was thoroughly convinced
    Her cure was a good Grammar Skuul

  141. Brian Allgar says:

    My doctor is sadly now late;
    The booze and the fags sealed his fate.
    Oh, what was he thinking,
    The smoking and drinking?
    He’d only just turned ninety-eight.

  142. Lisi Nortman says:

    TRY ONE MORE TIME

    My patient frantically called
    Because she said she had falled

    I instantly winced
    And was thoroughly convinced

    That her cure was a proper Grammar Skald

  143. Lisi Nortman says:

    TRY AGAIN (SYLLABLES)

    MR JOHNSON’S SURGERY

    I had surgery for my wrist
    (I had an uncomfortable “twist”)
    It was the doc’s first operation
    He mistakenly performed a castration
    As expected, I was indubitably pissed

  144. Dave Johnson says:

    A bold cougar babe from Humptulips
    Strolled into the bar for a few nips.
    Who sat down beside her?
    A Botox provider;
    She now stalks her prey with plump, new lips.

    (Hump / too / lips – a blink of a town in Washington state)

  145. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s nothing worse than lice in the hair
    The doc says it’s easy to repair
    Use strong shampoo
    Till the scalp turns blue
    If one louse is left, name him Pierre

  146. David Reddekopp says:

    I took the easy target again:

    There once was a man, Donald J.
    In a line, as he heard a voice say,
    “You are getting a brain.”
    What he heard, though, was “train”
    So he left to get out of the way.

  147. A doctor who was named Ebenezer
    Was a tricksy sort of old geezer,
    And the trick he liked best
    Was to listen to a chest
    With a stethoscope he kept in the freezer.

  148. Patrice Stewart says:

    Guardin’ It (Since He Won’t Use It Today)

    Let’s play doctor, but not near that rose;
    A bumblebee, look, get the hose!
    You know I hate white,
    And your stubble’s a sight.
    What, you’re leaving half-cocked? Pasty toes

    Never did turn me on. Where’s your socks?
    You expect me to f*ck on these rocks?
    …Rolled his eyes and stalked off.
    She continued to scoff:
    What’s he want? Why, the man never talks!

  149. Suzanne Heymann says:

    In reply to Brian’s entry of July 11 at 11:17 am:
    (I’m including the subsequent relevant limericks we threw back and forth, to avoid confusion and broken momentum)

    Suzanne says:
    But he found a mate forty years younger
    Who’s a nymph with a sexual hunger
    It’s his heart that gave out
    He died happy, no doubt
    Right when she’d scream and shout as he tongued her.

    Brian says:
    It’s true, that’s the reason he picked her,
    But smoking? He should have been stricter.
    Yes, she’d scream and she’d shout –
    He forgot to put out
    His lit cigarette when he licked her.

    Suzanne says:
    The old man should have stuck with tradition
    And smoked AFTER his sex expedition.
    You would think, at his age,
    He’d be wise as a sage
    But his hormones were raged with ambition.

    Brian says:
    His end wasn’t quite as you say;
    He invited three beauties to play.
    All eighteen years old,
    And he bonked them, I’m told,
    Till his whisky-soaked system gave way.

    Suzanne says:
    So we’ll never know what really killed him –
    The cigs, booze, or women who thrilled him.
    My last piece of advice is:
    ‘Beware what entices’
    (At least his three vices fulfilled him!)

    Brian says:
    The Doctor replies from the grave:
    “It’s true that to vice I’m a slave.
    Well, the angels in heaven
    Are great – I’ve had seven,
    But whisky and cigs, I still crave.”

    Suzanne says:
    I’m so glad that his sex life is swell;
    Not his unfulfilled cravings as well?
    It’s a torment I’d dread
    He is worse off than dead
    It’s not heaven; instead, more like hell!

  150. Brian Allgar says:

    … and guess who has the last word?

    “You’re right,” laughed the Devil, “He’s mine,
    Though he doesn’t yet know it – no wine,
    And those “angels”, poor chap,
    Have all got the clap –
    Let him doctor himself, the old swine!”

  151. Patrice Stewart says:

    Poetic Lies?Sense! aka Hills, Pills, and Thrills

    His doc: I prescribed that last med
    For the issues concerning your head.
    Ben: It’s not worth a penny,
    I’m still not getting any!
    Doc cautiously said, Ben, instead

    Of focusing on sex – its lack,
    You now can buy pants off the rack.
    You may not be wealthy,
    But your heart is more healthy!
    Ben: I’d rather be on my back

    With a woman who’s built, and inventive.
    Doc: Well, my advice is preventive.
    But if you do get lucky
    (Ben’s bald, from Kentucky)
    I’d budget a hefty incentive.

    Ben, riled, said with great indignation:
    I have some skills in communication,
    And my last heart attack
    Doesn’t mean Willie’s slack!
    His successful ad: Lust for Sensation.

    …Ben smiles ‘neath her, in rapt concentration.
    Doc’s own ad ran: White-Jacket Temptation.
    Now they’re both being nursed
    By two women well versed
    (Doc caught up, Ben was first!)
    With shared appetites for fornication.

  152. Mark G. Kane says:

    Is it Hubby you’re trying to train?
    Then your nagging, I’d work to refrain,
    And replace it with PRAISE,
    The results will amaze,
    But if not, there’s the whip and the chain.

    training husbands

  153. Dave Johnson says:

    Suzanne and Brian – that was amazing!

  154. Mary Hood says:

    They eye you and poke at your skin
    They prod and they pull on your limbs
    Like secret confessionals
    We trust these professionals
    To tell us what shape we are in

    We take all their pills they prescribe
    Believing it’s not all a lie
    Oh it’s a wonder
    We’re not all six feet under
    As so often it all goes awry

  155. Mary Hood says:

    There was once a general practitioner
    My dad would make no petition for
    When I asked him why
    There came his reply
    When his practice be perfect
    I’ll listener

  156. Lisi Nortman says:

    I must say my surgeon is quite appealing
    He said his specialty is painless healing
    But he forgot the anesthesia
    Which gave me dyskinesia
    Then I went flying up to the plastic ceiling

  157. Lisi Nortman says:

    MAD: THIS IS REALLY HIS NAME

    In the suburbs there is a Dr. Schotz
    His specialty is healing little tots
    But you have to lie
    Or else they’ll cry
    So you tell them we’re going to Dr. Plotz

  158. Lisi Nortman says:

    You phone the doctor to get a day
    For being exposed to radioactive decay
    They give you a date
    6 months you must wait
    Then you call the Hearse to take you away

  159. Ken Gosse says:

    Derailed ~
    I fell off the thought of my train,
    Which the Doc said was due to brain strain,
    And so none heard my word.
    Like a vast lemming herd
    All are lost—but, perhaps, that’s your gain.

  160. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I know I may sound like a snob
    But to soothe is a doctor’s main job
    I want him to take
    Away each little ache
    And then lastly, to make my heart throb!

  161. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I know I may sound like a snob
    But to soothe is a doctor’s main job
    Well, he isn’t my friend
    Should he fail to contend.
    If he won’t, then I’ll send in the mob!

  162. Lisi Nortman says:

    DOCTORS AND RECEPTIONISTS

    The privacy laws have gone too far
    One wrong word, and you’re back in your car

    You sit on your butt
    You better shut up

    Even you doctor doesn’t know who you are

  163. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: last line: please change you to YOUR

    HOPE YOU ARE FEELING BETTER!

  164. Lisi Nortman says:

    I took my darling baby Claire
    To the pediatrician at Union Square
    The nurse in the room
    Said he’ll be here soon
    But now he’s busy playing Solitaire

  165. Dave Johnson says:

    When Donald Trump’s angry and bitter,
    His answer is whining on Twitter.
    Some doctors would say
    “He’s just wired that way…”
    I’d say he requires a sitter.

  166. Dave Johnson says:

    Ann Coulter did more than complain;
    Becoming a witch on the plane.
    There is no denying
    She ought to be flying
    Her broom, or just taking a train.

  167. Patrice Stewart says:

    Quoting A Friend: In This Cray, Cray Time…

    Why doesn’t Trump simply quit?
    Doctored promises aren’t worth warm spit.
    He exists to impede,
    John McCain’s centipede:
    Shoes will all drop despite their tight fit.

  168. Patrice Stewart says:

    Loco Motives

    Trump’s regime works so hard to erase
    What the House of Barack built: no trace
    Can be left of Obama,
    No word, not a comma!
    (More Donald-time drama.)
    It surely can’t be about race

    ‘Cause, by God, it’s about legislation
    And what’s really best for the nation!
    Morons smile and agree
    But avoid the TV;
    Some look on with disgust, condemnation.
    (Guess it’s true: law is pure re-creation,
    When it’s not Donald’s imagination.)

  169. David Reddekopp says:

    In the spring, all my seeds I disperse
    I grow peas, but my carrots are worse
    I have onions, tomatoes
    Cucumbers, potatoes
    In this garden variety verse.

  170. David Reddekopp says:

    To the doctor I walked a kilometer
    Took my temperature, made me a vomiter
    When it got near my tongue
    It tasted like bung –
    He gave me a rectal thermometer!

  171. Patrice Stewart says:

    Ridin’ the Trump Train: Derailment Predicted

    Look out for some steep curves ahead!
    Wish supporters had stayed home in bed
    Voting day. Now we’re stuck,
    It’s the nation’s bad luck:
    Some believed what the Orange Head said.
    (And still do! Hope their faces are red.)

  172. Patrice Stewart says:

    Prognosis Dismal

    Doc, Doctor, just give me the news:
    I’ve got a bad case of D. blues,
    Mumps, and lumps caused by Trump.
    Watching news makes me jump-
    Y. An opioid? (How about booze?)

    You really have nothing to offer
    But drugs (why not add to your coffer?).
    Docs aligned with Big Pharma,
    I’m sensing bad karma:
    Alarm! Uh…yeah, call me a scoffer.

  173. Patrice Stewart says:

    Train Your Kids To Vote!

    Chose to snooze and sit back? Bad decision.
    Indies, Dems lost and (expletive jerk) won.
    I refuse to excuse
    Trump’s repetitive ruse:
    Blare crap often for true-false collision.
    (Sow confusion! Avoid truth/precision.)

  174. Patrice Stewart says:

    Bigmouth Aims South

    It’s quite clear that Trump’s brain is obtuse.
    (Danger, Will!) Weapon mouth’s on the loose:
    Firing Right and then Left,
    Sound and fury, no heft;
    In his world, Win or Lose – never truce.

  175. Lisi Nortman says:

    We used to go to our trusted “GP”
    Life in the 50’s was so carefree
    Now doctors specialize
    They don’t even empathize
    Dr. Jones works only on your sore LEFT knee

  176. madkane says:

    UPDATE 2 — JULY 21: Limerick contest results will CONTINUE to be delayed while I recuperate from emergency wrist surgery. In the meantime, here’s YET ANOTHER theme for your limericks: SUMMER FUN.

  177. Brian Allgar says:

    (an old one …)

    The streetwalker said, “Take your pick;
    A handjob right now would be quick,
    But if you’re a mouth-cummer,
    Then come back in Summer –
    One swallow in Spring makes me sick.”

  178. Patrice Stewart says:

    More Than Summer Pals :)

    Gene and Judy are from Minnesota.
    Here in WA state, they don’t need a coat. A
    Downpour means brief wait,
    Unlike snow. They’re such great
    People 8>D Friends as we age: set no quota!

  179. Tim James says:

    Where to go on vacation? I choose
    To go off on a long ocean cruise.
    With the news from D.C.
    It’s important to me
    To have access to plenty of booze.

  180. Ken Gosse says:

    Bye-Bye Blues, Hello Happiness! ~
    With Trumpety’s team on the run,
    He’ll fall off the wall ‘fore it’s done.
    Our discontent Winter
    May soon have gone hinter.
    His melt-down, our Summer of Fun!

  181. David Reddekopp says:

    You might think Americans dumber
    When they consume booze, in the summer
    But they really hit bottom
    When they vote, in the autumn
    For everyone else, it’s a bummer.

  182. Judith H. Block says:

    A gal ordered Long Island Iced Tea,
    She liked it, in total drank three.
    She got really drunk,
    What could she have thunk?
    Assumed it was Lipton, you see.

  183. Judith H. Block says:

    A guy and his gal had great fun
    In a hammock that swung the sun.
    They were unconcerned
    When it overturned.
    Just continued what they had begun.

  184. Judith H. Block says:

    A sultry gal, all ripe in her prime,
    Has hot sex on the beach, not a crime.
    He left, she got burned,
    The hard way she learned,
    Must wear all over sunscreen next time.

  185. Neil Hood says:

    Water-skiing is my summer fun
    I shout “Hit it” I’m off for my run
    A fast spill and I’m gettin’ a
    Fresh water enema
    A “fecesious” remark for a pun

  186. Judith H. Block says:

    Tequila’s better than Sex on the Beach,
    Got several top brands, sipping each!
    Great drinks, summer fun,
    Though it’s hot in the sun.
    Enough shots now, I’m slurring my speech.

  187. Brian Allgar says:

    Presidential summer fun

    “In winter, when things ain’t so hot,
    Golden showers,” said Trump, “hit the spot.
    But in summer, I need
    To be coolingly peed,
    So my hooker packs ice in her twat.”

  188. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Response to Brian:

    She packs ice in her what?! You don’t say!
    I do fear that there will come a day
    When he shrinks like a turtle
    Which would be a hurdle
    In trying to climax that way.

  189. Brian Allgar says:

    “Hey, Suzanne, I ain’t nobody’s fool,”
    Tweets the President. “Ice keeps me cool,
    But her mouth will reheat
    And re-kindle my meat –
    Believe me, the size makes her drool.”

  190. Suzanne Heymann says:

    It’s all FAKE news; I’d wish he’d just stop
    Donald uses a big plastic prop
    You must squint just to see
    That the real one must be
    Just the size of a wee Tootsie pop.

  191. Dave Johnson says:

    When Harvey, Tim and Big Jake
    Were fishing one day on a lake,
    Three skiers blew past;
    All blonde and bare-assed.
    Said Harvey “four real and…two fake.”

  192. Brian Allgar says:

    (Donald reacts Suzanne’s previous comment)

    “This Heymann’s beginning to vex us!
    Just ask any hooker who pecks us –
    Our gigantic knob
    Is too big for her gob,
    And will only just fit into Texas.”

  193. Suzanne Heymann says:

    As your knob is all covered with blisters
    I’ve no int’rest in pleasing you misters
    I can’t handle the pus
    But I won’t make a fuss
    So use Rosy Palm, plus her five sisters!

    You might want to go see a physician
    For your speedy recov’ry, I’m wishin’
    If the doc won’t know how
    To help, don’t have a cow
    What you really need now? A magician!

  194. Brian Allgar says:

    “Hey, Suzanne, that is slanderous crap!
    As you know, I’m a popular chap.
    Your remarks are plain sordid;
    Those girls who applauded
    Just gave me the wrong lind of clap.”

  195. Brian Allgar says:

    (Ooops, the prepenultimate word should be “kind”.

  196. Brian Allgar says:

    “Let’s get back to the fun that is summer;
    People say global warming’s a bummer,
    But if they’re too hot,
    The AC hits the spot.
    Pence is dumb, but those lefties are dumber.”

  197. Lisi Nortman says:

    When you have an annoying pain
    Go to your doctor come shine or come rain
    He’ll give you a pill
    And his usual “drill”
    From Blue Cross and Blue Shield, he has much to gain

  198. Dave Johnson says:

    On a beach where seclusion is rare,
    Just one spot for an amorous pair.
    Having hiked from above,
    They make passionate love;
    Well within the drone’s lecherous stare.

  199. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Well, if you want some sympathy now
    It will be in your wordbook; here’s how:
    Just don’t be too miffed at this
    Finding a whiff of this
    ‘Twixt ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ (wow!)

  200. Tim James says:

    A very late train limerick:

    Tons of wheat being pulled by a train
    Met a motorist lacking a brain.
    At a crossing, the schmuck
    Ran the signal. Oh, yuck.
    Stuff gets real when you go ‘gainst the grain.

  201. Dave Johnson says:

    A beach in the summer can be
    One place to feel totally free.
    But some show their wrongs
    In Speedos and thongs
    We try, but just cannot unsee.

  202. Patrice Stewart says:

    Doc Sommer Trained in the Garden

    This happens when one tries to cram
    Too much into one’s brain (I’m a ham).
    Punning’s light summer fun!
    (Winning lim? Not this one!)
    I just heard Trump was goosed by a Ram

    He had truck with. The sheep got a shock
    (It said Ewe!) then returned to his flock…
    Repeat often: turns true!
    Trump changed physics, who knew?
    Just proclaim what’s now gold, was a rock!
    (And if you believe that, see a doc,
    ‘Cause – like Trump – it’s a potful of crock.)

  203. Patrice Stewart says:

    Grip on Reality Tenuous, aka The Insane Train

    He really believes since he’s Prez
    We all should do just what he says.
    Never mind logic, law,
    Trump’s perfection! No flaw
    Can be found ‘neath that yellow-red fez.

    So I simper, Prez Trump, he looks super,
    As handsome as ol’ Gary Cooper!
    Though I’m bare-assed lying –
    High-wire truth defying,
    Don’t test me: a loyal Trump trouper!
    (He looks better than Gary Cooper.)

  204. Patrice Stewart says:

    Rerun No Longer Fun: The News Blues

    3rd Rock from the Sun…of a Bitch!
    I think that my brain has a glitch.
    Everywhere I see Trump:
    Constant news, gotta dump
    It before I develop a twitch
    (My ears are beginning to itch.)

  205. Patrice Stewart says:

    (That) Con Sessions! True/Not True?

    It seems in his late-night confessions
    Trump blares that he wants to fire Sessions
    Again. Prez Buffoon
    In his tweeted balloon
    Declared folks will get wrong impressions

    So, firm stance: he’ll make no concessions!
    Can’t tolerate past indiscretions.
    That fun guy, AG Sessions,
    Made clowning expressions
    Behind Donald’s back 😝 …more obsessions.

  206. Patrice Stewart says:

    Summer Bum ~ She’s Got Skills

    She tweeted she’d be on the beach
    Strolling nude. Phone on, well within reach.
    It rang: Babe, where’s your cell?
    Giggle…Guess! I won’t tell,
    But it rhymes with What, looks like a peach.

    So in heat, he drove thirty-nine miles,
    Panting up where the sand met the tiles.
    There she lounged, counting bills,
    Men lined up for the thrills…
    Cell rang: squeezed on, no hands! Lust-filled smiles.
    (Diff’rent beach next week: new men, same wiles.)

  207. Dave Johnson says:

    Young lovers were taking a chance
    In the woods for some outdoor romance.
    The location they chose
    For doffing their clothes
    Had lots of green three-leafy plants.

    The result was a terrible mess;
    A dilemma they had to confess.
    Poison Oak left its traces
    In various places
    Physicians would have to address.

  208. Brian Allgar says:

    (Continued from Suzanne Heymann’s post on July 26, 2017 at 3:22 pm)

    “Them dictionaries? Sad! Over-rated!
    I don’t need no books,” Donald stated.
    “My words are the best!
    I’m so rich –yeah, you guessed –
    That even my shit is gold-plated.

    As for ‘Syphilis’, ain’t that the guy
    Who continued to stupidly try
    To push rocks up a slope?
    What a loser, that dope,
    ‘Cause they rolled right back down from up high!”

  209. Lisi Nortman says:

    DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM

    There you sit in the waiting room
    Your thoughts imagine doom and gloom
    It’s such a bore
    You begin to snore
    Then in walks the janitor and hands you a broom

  210. Lisi Nortman says:

    SLIGHT CORRECTION

    You sit THERE in the waiting room
    Your thoughts imagine doom and gloom
    It’s such a bore
    You begin to snore
    In walks the janitor and hands you a broom

  211. Patrice Stewart says:

    McCain Rises: That’s (It for) the Skinny, aka Big Jump Off the Trump Train

    Johnny, you’re not really a hero!
    Disdained Trump: sneering, ultimate zero.
    …A brain tumor gives pause;
    One reflects on life, flaws
    And one’s “boss”: lying wretch, lech, and Nero.

    Those words are harsh, but they’re all true.
    A mouth washed out with soap’s overdue.
    That’s a Capitol pun-
    Ishment fit for a Hun
    Like DT, but let’s now move on to

    JM. Revenge: dish best served cold.
    His remaining time must seem like gold.
    Although he’s now older,
    The Senator’s bolder
    And highly unlikely to fold

    Under pressure from Resident Chump.
    McCain’s tougher, not one Trump can dump.
    His grand gesture, thumb down,
    No doubt caused a black frown
    And harangue to burst forth from De Lump
    (Oval Office-ers heard ham fists thump.)

    Sen. McCain, we don’t often agree,
    But you’ll hear no complaining from me.
    Please, just try to do right
    By our country, whose plight
    Requires heros. You are one, we see. 

  212. Lisi Nortman says:

    TRUER THAN MOST PEOPLE THINK: TOO MANY SYLLABLES BUT MAYBE YOU CAN FIX?

    The doctor tells you to pee in a cup
    Somehow you feel you’re out of luck
    He checks your heart
    And every other part
    DIAGNOSIS: If I don’t know, I’ll make it up

  213. Patrice Stewart says:

    Boy Scout Tout, aka Jamb-or-gee Train

    Trump chortled, It’s all about me!
    All those orgies were fun, boys! You’d see
    Hooters from ’round the world,
    Rip off clothes as bimbs twirled.
    I support lower ed, and it’s free!

    By the way, Wash DC is a cesspool.
    The pols all stink there, but I’m no fool!
    If we repeal O’care
    We can throw a big scare
    Into poor folks, and that would be cool!

    That reminds me, there’s loyalty lacking.
    I plainly deserve my staff’s backing,
    So a system is tracking
    Those traitors attacking
    Me! droned Trump (loud journo lip-smacking).

    Yeah, boys, there’s a lot I can teach
    Ya if those prude sissies don’t reach
    Ya! McCain, just ignore
    Him, that traitor and bore.
    Hanoi Hilton was great, on the beach!

    Wow, it’s fake media all the way, here.
    Has anyone offered you boys beer
    Yet? Nope, I’m not payin’,
    But hey, I’m just sayin’
    They should! When we come back next year

    I’ll make sure they do. You know life,
    Like don’t settle for just one wife!
    Yep, on Levitt’s big yacht
    We had crotch, Scotch and brought
    Plenty (*kitty*)! …Jeff stuck in the knife

    So I might just go on a (Ted) cruise!
    He’ll be loyal, or else feel the Cruz blues
    ‘Cause that map was so red,
    The Dems wished they were dead!
    My name everywhere, all caps, huge news!
    (Maine, one vote: they couldn’t refuse.)

    But you’re workers, and you’ll get bored too,
    And probably start sniffing glue.
    But momentum, don’t lose it!
    Excuse, maybe choose it
    (The glue). Gotta go; Clinton, Boo!
    (What’s our next stop, Mooch? Give me a clue.)

  214. Dave Johnson says:

    Scaramucci could easily train
    Marines to be loud and profane.
    But he’s busy with Trump;
    Loves smooching his rump
    While driving the censors insane.

  215. Dave Johnson says:

    (Wow – that was quick!)

    Scaramucci, as Priebus’s bane,
    Unloaded with epic disdain.
    The strength of his blast,
    So lethal and vast,
    Just blew them both off of the train.

  216. Dave Johnson says:

    Oops – Line 5 of the above should read:

    “Blew both of them off of the train.”

    Thanks, Dave

  217. Dave Johnson says:

    A lesson they wanted to teach;
    Scaramucci is now out of reach.
    He’s free to have fun,
    Maybe catching some sun
    With Priebus and Sean at the beach.

  218. Patrice Stewart says:

    Summer Fiasco Fiesta: Trump Needs A Nightly Siesta

    Trump’s staff, through a door fast revolving.
    This president, there’s no absolving:
    His late-night rant-tweets
    Are pure self-serving bleats
    While our problems mount up. They need solving!
    (I doubt we’ll see DT evolving.)

    What a petty man he’s proved to be.
    Wealth; compassion? Less than you or me.
    I guess someone this rich
    (And a son of a bitch)
    Finds the “poor” make him twitch.
    Acts for good of the nation?? We’ll see…
    (But he sure doesn’t represent me!)

  219. Lisi Nortman says:

    Dr. Fercockda made a terrible mistake
    I think the guy is a total flake
    I took off my clothes
    Down to my toes
    All I had was a damn headache

  220. Dave Johnson says:

    All during their summer romance,
    He never got into her pants.
    They happened to meet
    At a nudist retreat;
    She had none, so therefore no chance.

  221. Dave Johnson says:

    The total eclipse of the sun
    Is not going to be very fun.
    When that moment is here
    With the influx we fear,
    in darkness we’ll be overrun.

    (It’s expected to bring so many visitors to Oregon that disaster preparations are underway)

  222. Dave Johnson says:

    While lying out there on the sand,
    She offered to lend him a hand.
    Her kindness achieved
    A result well received;
    Erected – their castle so grand.

  223. madkane says:

    UPDATE 3 — AUGUST 5: Limerick contest results will CONTINUE to be delayed while I continue to recuperate from wrist surgery. (My apologies! But unfortunately, lots of physical therapy is required!) In the meantime, here’s YET ANOTHER theme for your limericks: CAFFEINE.

  224. Dave Johnson says:

    The coffee was starting to brew;
    She woke up unsure what to do.
    Her guest for the night
    Didn’t seem very bright
    And they both had a matching tattoo.

  225. David Reddekopp says:

    At Mt. Sinai, while leading the Jews, it
    Seemed that Moses was fixin’ to lose it
    Now he’s calm and serene
    With a shot of caffeine
    How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it!

  226. Brian Allgar says:

    You ask why he’s stupid and mean?
    It could be excessive caffeine.
    They say too much covfefe
    Will turn brains to tovfefe,
    But Trump’s is a shrivelled old bean.

  227. Patrice Stewart says:

    Caffeine: I Want It, I Need It

    I’d call it a certain addiction,
    A stereotyped, true depiction:
    Unshowered and mean
    Turned awake, smiling, clean!
    But not lean :( That’s a gross dereliction

    Of duty, old bean! And why not
    Work miracles while you are hot?
    Cinnamon, splash of cream:
    You’re a card player’s dream.
    I adore you, though you won’t stay bought
    (Angelino’s: must order BIG lot!).

  228. Patrice Stewart says:

    For Dave Johnson: response to August 4, 2017 at 7:35 pm

    Summer Eclipse Fun? A Stranger Type of Danger

    Perhaps near the beach, you’ve a tan?
    In Vancouver WA (home) I plan
    On pinhole projection,
    Safe means of detection;
    Then indoors, stream NASA, on! fan :)

    While out ‘long the Oregon coast
    Stuck in traffic jams, tourists will roast.
    Blindly paid umpteen bucks,
    Lodging/meals. Choices? Shucks!
    Work, stay home, travel, tour: profit, boast.
    (Guard your eyes, they could burn up like toast,
    And it’s hard to say what you’d blame most.)

  229. Patrice Stewart says:

    What Zooms Around Must Come Down

    Jamaican me crazy, you know!
    At 90 per hour I go
    Through the house, task by task,
    So much frenergy! Bask
    Later, things done; caffeineless and slow
    (It’s an effort to wiggle one toe).

  230. Judith H. Block says:

    Re-written and submitted:
    A hot gal got sick, saw a new doctor,
    His behavior was strange, it just shocked her.
    She froze in great shock
    When he whipped out his cock
    Instead of a check-up, he focked’er.

  231. Judith H. Block says:

    Decaf coffee still has some caffeine,
    Dark chocolate, the same, it would seem.
    Makes my heart beat too fast,
    I’m dismayed and downcast.
    No chocolate, that’s truly obscene!

  232. Judith H. Block says:

    Each sweet, a cocoa dipped espresso bean,
    For which her guy knew she was keen.
    Not his kiss, but his treat
    Made her heart skip a beat!
    She had just consumed too much caffeine.

  233. Judith H. Block says:

    Re submitted, again (Sorry)-
    A hot gal got sick, saw a new doctor,
    His behavior was strange, it facocked her.
    She froze in great shock
    When he whipped out his cock
    Instead of a check-up, he focked’er.

  234. Lisi Nortman says:

    I used to love to take the train
    But this luxury is beginning to wane
    The guy with the tattoo
    Smells like a stinky old shoe
    Now a car pool is my new preferred “game”

  235. Lisi Nortman says:

    When summer comes around
    I place my chaise on the ground
    I “bake” all day
    But there’s a price to pay
    Afterwards, I look like Bozo The Clown

  236. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad
    Please check your e-mail. I may have given you the wrong e-mail for #233 and# 234
    Thank you

  237. Lisi Nortman says:

    Doctors can be in a very bad mood
    Not to mention being downright crude !!
    They send you to the lab
    You get a hurtful stab
    Just because they don’t want to be sued

  238. Dave Johnson says:

    For Patrice Stewart re: Today 10:43 AM

    With the path of totality near,
    It’s crowds and congestion we fear.
    Far away from the coast,
    Much drier than most;
    Our wildfire season is here.

    So for those who are planning to bed
    Where the skies will be clear overhead,
    You don’t have to end
    Up in Madras or Bend;
    Get over to Boise instead.

  239. Judith H. Block says:

    EDITED:

    Was the cocoa dipped espresso bean,
    For which her guy knew she was keen.
    Not his kiss, but his treats
    Made her heart skip some beats!
    She had just consumed too much caffeine.

  240. Patrice Stewart says:

    For Dave Johnson, re: Aug. 6 at 5:31 pm

    Boys: Eee! Don’t Bend Over in Those Madras Shorts (Non Sequitur: I Couldn’t Resist)

    Eclipse-ers have money to burn
    In Central OR, too. They could learn
    Before their arrival
    ‘Bout wildfire survival:
    Cigarettes? Turn around, don’t return!

    You explained, it makes sense; I see why
    You wish that they’d all just pass you by.
    In WA almost two years,
    I relate -> locals’ fears.
    Dark-sun “fun” looks like pie in the sky :(
    (Profits prophesied to be sky-high…)

  241. Patrice Stewart says:

    Of Prophets and Profits: Eclipse-A-Thon!

    They expect huge crowds, dough rolling in,
    For (ranks of) opportunists to “win”
    Money hand over fist.
    Is your name on the list,
    Preferred vendors? Hey, spenders, begin!

    Twenty-first: it’s our day in the sun;
    Nine a.m., and the fun’s just begun.
    Glasses, hats, yeah! We hawk it;
    By day’s end, picked your pocket.
    Straggle home when you’re done, but we won.
    (Have you any cash left? Not a one.)

  242. Patrice Stewart says:

    Dark Shadows

    …And darkness crept over the land:
    Trump’s toupee? Monster mountain of sand?
    Oh, it’s that eclipse: total-
    Ly, read my lips! Scrotal-
    Ly, Donald’s (ahem) ain’t that grand.
    (Despite efforts to sell his BIG brand,
    Tweets deplete and defeat him, though tanned.)

  243. Patrice Stewart says:

    Why Knot? It’s Old Noose

    If you must ask, it’s to hang ‘im high;
    Impeachment’s too good for the guy.
    Each law he reverses
    Elicits fresh curses –
    Still, lackeys support The Big Lie

    Which should be The Donald’s true name.
    No conscience, brain, ethics, or shame;
    Each “win” Repubs gain
    Wreaks more middle-class pain.
    Chance Pence? Toss the clown who’s to blame!
    (For all we know, they both are the same;
    I hope not, but this isn’t a game…)

  244. Dave Johnson says:

    Seattle’s where Starbucks was born;
    In Dallas, big Stetsons are worn.
    Chicago has Sox,
    Minneapolis rocks;
    And L.A. – fake boobies adorn.

  245. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s nothing better than summer life
    You have no stress; you have no strife
    You play around
    Till the sun goes down
    But when the fall arrives, you have to go back to your wife

  246. Lisi Nortman says:

    DOCTOR’S LOUSEY IDEA

    They stick you in the MRI
    You’re so alone and you start to cry
    They let you out
    And then you shout
    “That really sucked and I’d rather die”

  247. Lisi Nortman says:

    I was so busy “weeding”
    And involved in my “seeding”
    But Bill would never call
    ‘Cause he was out having a ball
    I had no clue that he was cheating

  248. Dave Johnson says:

    (Summer fun – at our expense)

    Harsh words from an enemy’s dare;
    New tensions are starting to flare.
    While alarm bells abound,
    Where’s Trump to be found?
    Bedminster – great golfing up there!

  249. Dave Johnson says:

    His vacation is raising a fuss;
    “That asshole is lazy!” we cuss.
    We would have preferred
    He did part of the word;
    To vacate would be a real plus.

  250. Dave Johnson says:

    Most brew pubs are burly and beefy;
    Some cafes are laid-back and leafy.
    A Bedminster diner
    Has something much finer;
    Wake up with a cup of covfefe.

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